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I am evolving. I used to think of pain as the wickedest gut punch. I would curl up in a ball, look up at the sky and ask why do I deserve this? My tears would fall like the rapids until my eyes dried like the desert. I would point fingers at everything and everyone but me.
The irony is life became circular, repeating the same hardships and the pain would take forever to soften. I realized I needed to do something different. I needed to shift my mindset if I wanted better outcomes.
I learned to take a different perspective when hit with that gut punch. I now ask what is it trying to tell me? I still hurt. I still cry, but not for as long.
I soon look inward and experience the greatest love of all. I become one again with the God within me & that love is unconditional. It doesn't get mad at where I went. It doesn't chastise me for losing my way. It just welcomes me once again. Its only purpose is to help me heal and learn to be better in the future.
I do not know who God is. That is too large of a subject for my human mind. Too many times humans think we have figured him out. We start to create him in our image instead of the other way around. Some even try to place themselves in a position of authority to tell me who God is.
I only know the one inside. I keep losing him, but it is that gut punch that brings me back to knowing again. It is only through him that i persevere and become a better person.
I believe the God within me has lived one thousand lives. Each one packed with lessons. Each one left with baggage that I take into the next life. No life more crucial than this one. This is the life I get rid of my generational trauma, my addictions, my bad habits, and the rest of the things I do not like about me.
It is exhausting at times, but I have never loved myself more than I do now. Loving myself does not mean I will not endure harsh times. I asked to receive whatever I needed to become the best me. The reality is that sometimes means hard experiences.
I do not know about you, but I learn the greatest lessons this way. I do not believe God punishes. I believe he is the greatest teacher of them all and I am grateful for teaching me in the way that works best for me.
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